But that’s the thing about it, self-care isn’t a
random chore you do out of the blue, a quick fix, or simply drawing a bath. Self-care
is a journey of acceptance, compassion, and the uprooting of damaging beliefs.
I am a woman, so I’m going to tackle this from my
perspective of being a woman, being seasoned into the circle of womanhood, and
how I move through the world as a woman with the anatomy of a female.
Being a woman is a brilliant experience, but with that
experience comes a multitude of lies that we are conditioned with, things we
are told are appropriate, that we “have to” do, and feelings we choke down our
throat because “a lady shouldn’t say that”.
With this brainwashing we receive from our parents,
peers, society, and the world at large, we develop terrible habits.
As a woman, you are conditioned to always be in the
sacrifice seat. You are expected to give, give, give, and give without anything
but a crumb in return. And you are expected to like it, and not fix your mouth
another way about it.
You experience it every single day. You have to cook
dinner even when you are tired, do the laundry otherwise it won’t ever get done,
put on makeup even though you are tired because you always have to look your best, you have to show up to work to give
100% even though your menstrual cramps are leaving you in the fetal position,
you have to compete and fight for your position at work even though it makes
you emotionally uncomfortable, don’t eat too much cause goodness forbid you don’t
look like those cut and pasted photoshoped images society puts on a pedestal, you
cannot speak about how you love sex and how it makes you feel good because “girls
shouldn’t talk that way”, you cannot speak your mind and be confident in
yourself because you are a “conceited bitch who thinks she knows everything”
and goodness forbid if you “scare” off the boys, you have to watch and take
care of your siblings even though you had plans that you had to cancel on
because “good daughters take care of the family and put them first no matter
what”, that you have to be there emotionally for your friend even though she is
never anywhere to be found when something is hurting you or makes you feel
upset, and the list can and will go
on and on.
Why is it that the list goes on and on?
Why is it that women are just expected to give and
give till there is nothing left? Till their inner well is dryer than the Sahara
Dessert with nothing left for themselves?
There’s more than enough reasons and culprits why. You
can see it in the systems of patriarchy, family structures, racial traditions,
religious traditions, group think, peer pressure, and many more.
That’s why, when I see articles online or hear people
talking about “self-care” I know they do not speak the whole truth and what it truly requires to have self-love and
care for your person.
Self-care and self-love includes actions, but it is a
lot bigger than that.
I recently started doing Shadow Work, which is the
integration or acceptance of those aspects of yourself that you were taught
were unacceptable, wrong, or not worth being loved by family and other groups
when growing up, and it has revealed a lot. Doing shadow work is no easy task,
it forces you to realize that you are
not perfect, that you have to make space and compassion for yourself to
properly heal, to face your traumas and emotional triggers head on, remove the
internal blockages, and to be present with all of those heavy emotions that the
world at large tells you to not look at and “let go”.
Shadow work forces you to uproot every tinge of pain,
unresolved events that hurt you, relationships that killed you inside, and to
take a strong hard look at the actions you commit against yourself every day.
This work connects you back, it integrates all of those small parts you carved
out of the beauty of your whole self just for a little bit of love or
acceptance…and it teaches you that it is okay, that you are okay, and that
everything you felt and feel is okay with reasons why you did it. I cannot begin to say how scary it is to peer
inside of yourself, but how beautiful it is to feel that compassion and
acceptance for yourself. If you are interested in more content about Shadow
Work and where to begin if you are interested, these women are phenomenal when
it comes to discussing and giving tips on how to tackle shadow work:
Kelly-Ann Maddox, who specializes in Shadow Work and
is absolutely phenomenal with the way she breaks it down and processes for
going through it with tricks, tips, and even tarot spreads. This is a link to
the first video in a playlist of hers, she’s absolutely divine:
Teal Swan, is a spiritual teacher and intuitive who
provides an analysis of Shadow Work as well, and also processes on how to
emotionally heal yourself, learn acceptance, and stepping into yourself and the
authentic self. Here are 3 of her videos covering shadow work, and you can
check out her other videos on her channel for tips on healing emotionally:
Journeying into self-care and love is no easy task. It
requires you to stop punishing yourself, to stop giving till you are dried out,
and to stop being the sacrifice for everyone around you. You must learn to say “no”,
to say “not today”, to say “fuck off”, and to ultimately say “no, I come first”.
Just being able to say “no” as a woman feels
difficult, mostly because it is you setting up boundaries, setting rules, and
being strong enough to vocalize what displeases you. Women are taught right out
of the womb to do what deep down displeases them, which is why you must
practice the life style of self-love
and care. Yes, self-love and care is a lifestyle, because every single day you
must practice it, train yourself not to punish or make yourself suffer, and
make small but sure strides to self-acceptance.
Believe me, I wish it was easy, but working on
yourself isn’t. It is a journey that requires your patience, compassion, and
for you to show up for yourself when no one else will.
Now, I wouldn’t feel right just talking about this,
without providing solutions to the problem I see.
Self-love and self-care is vital for you to bloom in
this dimension as a human being in this life rotation, it shows that you have
the divine capacity for turning the love you have outward, inward. I suggest,
as an exercise in this, to take a mirror. It can be any type of mirror,
whatever is accessible to you, and stare straight into the mirror, looking into
your eyes. Look deep into your eyes, don’t look away. Be present with yourself,
fall into your eyes, making sure you breathe in deep down to your stomach
filling it with air through your nostrils, then exhaling through your mouth. Be
present. Then, after a couple of moments gazing and breathing, state 1 self-punishing,
damaging, or hurtful behavior you have towards yourself. This could be any of
the ones I previously listed, or any moments when you felt you gave so much
with nothing in return. State that instance 3 times to yourself in the mirror,
while looking into your eyes. Then ask yourself why you do it.
Whenever you feel you haven’t gotten to the root of
that action, keep asking yourself why. Always dig deeper than before. Then,
while still gazing into your eyes, ask yourself, what would make you feel better than doing that harmful
action, what would make you feel good instead of punishing yourself or giving
too much. Jot down the answer, or repeat the answer 3 times to yourself while
gazing in your eyes in the mirror. Breathe deep, then break the gaze.
Now, make conscious physical steps in the direction of
that answer you told yourself, of what would make you feel better. These steps can be small, or they can be direct
and quick. As long as you make steps forward, you are on the right track.
I suggest, also embarking or researching more on
shadow work. Shadow work will help you work through internal problems of non-acceptance
and shame. Look at articles, websites, take out books, buy books, think it
over, watch videos, and ultimately get the idea in your mind.
Next, I suggest carving out time for yourself. Being
able to sit in your own silence is a very powerful thing. You can think your
own thoughts, say what you want without censorship, and meditate on what you
want for yourself. This doesn’t have to be a lot of time, this can be 10
minutes if that’s all you have or time before bed.
Finally, be compassionate to yourself. Most often,
people tend to treat strangers on the street better than they treat themselves.
We have to learn to direct that inward. We have to look at ourselves as the friend,
the lover, or the new person we ran into. Be patient with yourself, be
understanding towards yourself, and give yourself time to cry or feel
vulnerable. These moments of emotion are not a time for you to berate yourself.
Be kind and cradle yourself instead.
I hope this helped, and I send you much love.
Erytheia Medea©
*All pictures belong to their respective owners*
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